Torching the Cold
by Clemmentine
Summary: Buffy deals with the cold world after Angel leaves; and starts to have nightmares. Events, as they so often do deride from these dreams; reacquainting the lovers to a world they thought was long lost. R&R please.
1. 1

Title: Torching the Cold  
Pairing: B/A  
Rating: PG  
Timeline: no specifications I don't reckon. Whole cannon's fair game.   
Disclaimer: nah  
Summary: Buffy deals with the cold world after Angel leaves; and starts to have nightmares. Events, as they so often to deride from these dreams; reacquainting the lovers to a world they thought was long lost.  
  
  
  
Part 1:

It was so cold. That's the last thing I remember before the night overtook me and I fell asleep. If I could just get rid of the cold...

_But then it was gone. It was warm. As if the Gods had finally realized their mistake and was rewarding me my penance...it was gone. And *HE* was there. He who took my warmth to begin with. He who held the fire with such love; but with such betrayal. Only he could warm my soul; and all he had to do was touch it with his own. Just to be in his presence was like playing chicken with the sun beams...at any moment a ray of warmth could overtake me and leave me helplessly drowning in him. But I wouldn't care. As long as I was warm...._

And just as the warmth had replaced the cold; the keeper of my heart started to approach. Eyeing me with something resembling curiosity and bordering hope. He was so tentative in his steps; and it almost looked like with each step he was retreating to his previous position. Like he wasn't sure he could make it; or if he wanted to try. 

I moved towards him with haste; but still, I couldn't reach him. I extended my arm to him and he mirrored my action; but still...we couldn't reach each other. The cold was creeping back into my veins, but the burning of his presence was searing my skin. A sweat overtook my body; and I couldn't quite tell if it was from the internal cold, or the external heat. And in that moment; I didn't care. I just wanted it gone. I wanted everything gone. 

That same dream re-entered my slumbers for every night of that week and the one that followed. Angel was there, reaching for me; crying out for me. Yet still, unable to get to me. Was a physical barrier blocking his entrance? Or was it something else? Was *I* keeping him away? I was wanting for him so much; but the heat was too much to handle. I couldn't take being burned. Not again. And so I gave into the cold. I let it enter my veins, and surrendered my heart. The wall of ice was unable of being penetrated on either side. I was bitter to my friends; but I didn't care. As long as I had the wall, nothing could bother me. Nothing at all.

At least, that's what I thought as I nonchalantly answered the phone that Friday afternoon in July. I didn't think that a simple phone call could crack the ice; I wasn't thinking at all. Not of him. Not of Angel. That was a distant memory I didn't want to recall. The fire, the torment. It was unmistakable that the pain was about to overtake me as I heard the simple 'hello' from the other end of it. And I wanted to vomit.

"Hello." I returned; slurring the sinister word through the haze in my head. The heat was unnerving.

"Buffy, I need to talk with you. Just....just not now. Not over the phone. I want to see you, could you, could you..."

"What?" I asked. I couldn't hear a word he said through the heat. Through the melting of the ice. My whole body was shaking; and my insides were dissolving. "Angel.." I started. So weak, so desperate. And then there was nothing left. 

"Buffy, Buffy are you okay?" He asked

There was nothing I could say. My voice was broken from the boiling of the blood in my throat. The swirling of the room was distracting me from the heat in my body; and then I was on the floor. Phone in hand, with Angel on the other end screaming my name. And sleep was just so tempting...

I didn't dream anything at all. It was just black. Empty. I would have thought I was dead if I could have registered a decent thought at all. But all I could manage was that Angel would come. He would come because he was worried. But would be able to get to me? Or would something keep him from me? Something I wanted so badly to torture and kill. The fear. The fear of losing him again. 

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Well, _they_ were wrong. _They _were retarded and had obviously never experienced the soul wracking love that Angel and I had shared. Or perhaps they had; just never had experienced the utter torture and denial of the love we wanted so much to share. I just wish I hadn't felt it. Felt any of the slow murder. And I just wish Angel would hold my hand like I can feel him doing now forever. 'Please, Angel. Never let me go. Never again, please...'

TBC...let me know what you think. 


	2. 2

Opening my eyes was a big mistake from the moment the thought even entered my mind. I should have known that the heat would kill me if I let my naked eyes be exposed to such strong radiation. I saw Angel's worried glare turn into almost a full smile as he saw my eyes open; and something started moving in my gut. Something that would kill me if Angel didn't stop looking at me like he was now.

"Hey," I say. Making the first move...but towards what?

"Hey, Sleepy-head. We were worried about you." He tells me as he moves a piece of stray hair from my forehead; searing my skin more with each graceful movement of his hand.

"We. We who?" I ponder out loud.

"Everybody. The whole gang. Dawn, Cordy, Wes, Anya and Xander...Willow. Me. _Spike_." He almost growls the last part; and I can hear the uncertainty in in his voice as to why Spike would care so much as to well...care. 

"How long have I been out?" I question. He tells me I've only been down for about 13 hours. Yet, it feels as if a lifetime has passed me by. Maybe it has. Maybe this was a whole new life waiting to happen. 

"What happened, Buffy? Do you know why you...."

"No," I lie. "I just...I just sort of fainted. It *WAS* really hot outside. And I was pretty tired, it uh. It could have been the combination of the two." I scramble through the words; making sure they don't sound like too terrible of a lie. It *was* hot out. That *could* have been some fuel for the fire. Such a deep, searing fire. 

"I came as fast as I could. You scared me so much...I didn't know...." and he trails off. 

"Didn't know what?" I ask.

"I didn't want to lose you again, Buffy. We just got you back. Stick around for a while, okay?" He says with a grin. Almost mockingly.

"I'll try my hardest. Slayer's honor." I reply, giving him that same enticing smile he was giving to me.

"Buffy!" I hear Dawn squeal as she runs into the room; followed by the rest of the current Scoobies and some former members behind them. "Are you OKAY?!" She asks, still squealing a little. "What happened. Hey. Guess who's here. Look, it's *Angel*" 

"I can see, Dawnie. And yes. I'm fine. Just had a little black out is all. I'll be okay." I tell her. Trying not to let the fear in my voice show. Fear that I would never be okay again. But for now...

"Good. Hey, Cordy came to. And they brought Wesley. and Presents!" She says. Still squeaky.

"Hey Buffy." Cordelia said. "We brought clothes and food. Figured you could use both; seeing as how they both suck at hospitals." She tells me.

"Thanks," I say, giving her my best Buffy smile.

She nods her head in acknowledgement and hands over the goodies. I don't get a chance to dig through the bag. A doctor and her student come walking in at that moment.

"Ah, Ms. Summers," She says as way of greeting. "I see you've decided to join us in the world of consciousness. Welcome back. I'm Dr. Borowitz, and this is my student assistant, Cawood Fitzhugh. You don't mind her observing us here today, do you?" 

"No, not at all." I say, wishing I had the nerve to say 'Yes I do mind, Dr. Borowitz. And I mind that I have to be here anymore. I'd like to go home now, if that's alright with you. Thank you.' But I don't have the nerve so I just smile. 

"You had your young friend there in quite a frenzy. You're very lucky to have someone like him." She tells me, eyeing Angel.

"Yeah...." I say very quietly. 

"So, feeling up to par this morning?" She asks, getting down to business. Finally.

"Yes, I feel very well. Good to go. If I could just sign the papers I'd love to..."

"Oh no you don't." She tells me with a wry grin. "I have been very well informed of your dislike for hospitals; and warned in advance that you'd try this. We'd like to keep you for another day, Buffy. Your tests aren't quite clear and you're blood pressure is still very high. We need to keep you for observation; make sure this won't happen again." 

I shoot Angel a look. And he turns away. I know who informed her; and I wanted to hit the big piece of manly heaven. I wanted to tell the doctor that my blood pressure would stay high for as long as Angel was burning me; but of course, I didn't .

"Okay." I give in. Like I had a choice in the first place. 

"Good. Now, nothing hurts? Nothing at all?" She asks.

'Everything hurts!' I wanted to scream. 'Everything's on fire!' "No." I say. "Everything's fine."

"Good." She says with a smile. "I'm going to go check on your lab tests, and I'll be back shortly. As for the rest of you..." She starts, glaring around the crowded room. "I think it would be best if we left Buffy alone for awhile, let her get her strength back. Hmm?" She says, and the occupants start to file out of the room, waving and smiling at me as they retreat. When Angel braces himself on the arms of the chair about to get up; I reach out to his leg, ignoring the fire. 

"No. Stay with me. Please?" I plead with my best attempt of a sad puppy.

"Sure," he says. "If it's okay with...."

"Fine." Dr. Borowitz remarks, with an evil grin. "You two love birds don't do anything brash now, you hear?"

"We're not..." I start, but she's already gone. And Angel's still here. Looking at me like I've wanted/feared for him to do ever since he left. He was looking at me with love. And the pain started anew. 


	3. 3

Angel stayed with me through the night; and just minutes before the dawn. We didn't say much. Just the usual casualties. No deep, heart wrenching talk; and I was thankful. I don't think I was ready for it, quite yet. I was still getting used to the amazing fact that Angel was here. Beside me. And it hurt...

Hurt because I couldn't act on my instincts to pull him to me and to never let go. To vanish myself inside his kiss and be completely submerged in his love. Perhaps my mind was playing tricks on me with the look I saw in his own eyes. Maybe I wanted so badly to see that great adoration he used to look at me with that I actually did see it. Or maybe, just maybe...

*knock knock.* 

Great.

"Good morning, Buffy." Dr. Borowitz greeted.

"Morning," I mumbled back.

"How are you feeling today?" She asked

"Right as rain. Anything new that's keeping me here?"

"Ah, that's what I was coming to tell you. Everything's fine. You're good to go as soon as you'd like."

Score!

" It just looks like it was possibly the heat. Now, I want you to get plenty of rest when you get home, drink lots of water, and stay *cool.* Hear me?"

"Sure do." I tell her. "I'll do just that." And with a smile and a wave she's gone; and Willow and Dawn come in afterwards.

"Can you go home now?" Dawn asks.

"Yep," I tell her. "Everything's fine."

"Good," she says. "I hate hospitals."

"That makes two of us." I say.

Willow gets my clothes out of the small closet by the bathroom and brings them over to me and sits on the edge of the bed.

"So..." she starts with a huge grin. "Aaaaaaangel. Was *HERE* all night long. Go on now...share."

"It was *nothing*" I tell her. "He just sat there till the sun came up. He thought I was asleep anyways."

"But that is so sweet, Buffy. Isn't it good to have him back?"  


"It'd be wonderful," I say. "IF he wasn't going to leave as soon as he knew I was okay. I don't think he even wants to be here. He just came because he was worried I was dead. Again. And even if he did, Will. So much has changed. We're not the same people anymore."

"Angel." I hear Dawn taunt. "Please stay with me, oh pleeeeeeeease! I'd just die if I didn't have your big manly hands all over me keeping me warm. Angel Pleeeeease stay!" 

And with those remarks I throw one of the abnormally large pillows at her and she shrieks. 

"Hey! It's the truth!" She says.

"And he was here alllllll night." Willow states.

"He was." I say with a grin....and then I leap from the bed and tickle Dawn, stopping after a few squeals so a doctor wouldn't come running in.

"Alright, I need to change. Then we can go home. Finally." 

"Okay." Dawn says; giving me a wink.

*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*

"Honey, I'm home," I say to no one in particular as we enter the front door of the house. Then I wish I hadn't when I see Spike leaning on a wall in the living room. 

"About bloody time, Slayer." He says, looking aggravated. "Now, can you please tell the puff ball he can go back to *his* town and leave mine alone." 

I don't even have time to shoot him a look because Angel is calling me from the kitchen.

"Buffy?" 

Angel's *here*? Oh God...Angel's here. 

"Yeah. It's me." I call back, and see him emerge through the dining room; Xander and Anya right behind him.

"Hey Buff!" Xander says. "Good to have you back at Casa de Summer's girls." I see him nudge Anya.

"Whaaat?! OW! Oh....Buffy. How are you *feeling*?" She asks with fake enthusiasm.

"I'm okay." I say, looking right at Angel. "Just...a little tired."

"That's understandable," he says. "You should go lie down."

"Oh for Quiervo's sake, sod off ya old wanker. And I s'pose you'd be helping her off with that, wouldn't ya? Well, the Slayer here doesn't want your help. So go *HOME!*"

"Spike!" I yell. And then there's awkward silence. Spike lights a cigarette and looks at me like he's done nothing wrong. And everyone else is just standing there...waiting for me to say something. But I have nothing to say. So I turn and walk upstairs...agonizingly slow. And I can feel the glares on my back all the way up until I closed the door to my room. And I started to count the minutes until sunset....and wondered if Angel would stick around long enough to tell me what he had to tell me on the phone that day. 

Somewhere in the process I fell asleep; and again, I had a dream. And again Angel was in it. And again, I was freezing and burning all at the same time. 

__

I couldn't even see Angel. I Just heard his voice, and my name. He was calling for me and I was crying. I was hidden away in the darkness and he couldn't find me. But I knew exactly where he was every minute. 

'Buffy!' He would call; but I didn't make a noise. Just sat in the middle of the dark world and cried. Cried until I was numb; all except for the cold. It was cutting through me, and it made me cry more. I was so sad, and so cold...and so very alone. I wanted Angel to find me, I finally realized.. My knees cracked as I got up and my body was convulsing from the cold. 

I went to call for Angel, and that's when I woke up; and that's when I ran to the bathroom and vomited the rest of the hospital food I had in me. I was just so alone it was making me sick. Why couldn't I just go to Angel?

He was right downstairs; all I had to do was walk down there, and make an attempt. If he was still there, that is. 

  



	4. 4

__

Angel:

It must have been strange for Buffy, waking up with me beside her hospital bed. I mean, we haven't actually been friendly with each other for a long while. But oh how I've wanted...yearned for her nearness. 

She hasn't mentioned my reason for the phone call; and maybe in all the excitement she's forgotten it. But I haven't. The whole time in the hospital; and when she walked through the door, (before Spike's little outburst, and maybe even then,) I wanted to tell her how much I love and needed her. To tell her I was wrong, I do want her life to be with me; and whatever existence I have to be with her. There's no point in any of it. The mission, the redemption, the humanity... It doesn't matter. Nothing matters if I don't have my girl. My heart. That is the key to everything, you know. The heart. And oh how I want to let her know that she's the keeper of mine. And maybe she can forgive me and let me warm hers with the love from my own. She's been through so much since I've left Sunnydale. She's changed so much, for the better or worse I can't decide. But it doesn't matter. I see the Buffy I've always seen. Maybe it's just that everyone else is starting to see the amazingly strong and beautiful woman I've always known. And loved. And that definitely is a good thing. Except that I think Spike is seeing a little too much of it. But that leads to things I don't want to think about. I know Buffy would never...

"Hey." I hear the angel of my soul sing.

"Hey." I state back; hoping that my eyes let her see everything that I haven't been able to say yet.

"Whatcha doing?" She asks.

"Thinking." I tell her.

"Brooding?"

"A little...but it's a good brood. You were in it." I tell her. Her mouth smiles but her eyes dull; like she's scared. Or in pain...

"Was I?" She ponders. "And it's a good that I cause brooding?"  


I give a little laugh, and look right into her soul like she always did with me. "I was brooding over worrying about you. I don't want anything bad to happen, Buffy. It would kill me. All over again." 

"Oh." She says, and sits down beside me on the porch step. "I don't want anything bad to happen to me either. Out with the bad, in with the good. I'm ready for some good-ness. Been a rough year, I say it's time for some." She pauses, then starts a new subject. " So, what's up with you? You needed to talk to me....here I am." 

She turns. Puts her hand on my knee. Looks into my eyes, and far beyond. "I'm all ears..."

"That's not a very pleasant look, actually." I tell her in almost a whisper. " Saw an all-ear-demon a couple weeks ago...wasn't very thrilling...for me." She smiles her little Buffy smile that starts at her lips and spreads to her cheeks, nose, eyes...giving her green orbs little sparkles.

"Why did you call?" She asks almost seductively...but I must have imagined it.

I didn't have a very good answer. Well, I did; I could tell her truth. But that would make sense...

"I, I uh. Um." *Clears throat rather loudly and awkwardly. Realize I better do it now. Best to get it over with. Take the torching fast and clear out.* "I've missed you." I say. And hope that look she has on her face is a good thing. I really can't tell ; the fear of banishment from Buffy's kingdom for good clogs my vision. "I've been thinking about you so much, recently. More than usual, been dreaming of you. Obsessing over you. Wanting you so much, wanting to tell you that I love you. I've never stopped. I never will...." *gulp*

"Oh." She says with not much enthusiasm. 

"Oh?" I ask, hoping for more...but dreading the rejection.

"Oh." She repeats. Nothing follows.

I shift uncomfortably, I can tell that my face is revealing an uncomfortable look as well. I don't move. I don't think I can. When I work up the courage to look back at Buffy she's crying. Which is awfully shocking to me.

"Buffy? Buffy what..."

"I don't know!" She yells at me with fire in her eyes.

"Okay." I say; giving a little bit of surrender to my voice.

"Ya know," she starts. " I've been waiting for you to come back to me for so long. I gave up hope, Angel. I went crazy, I lost every little will I had to live. Then....then, I wasn't living anymore. It was my gift. It was my goddamned gift!" She cries. " I didn't have to think about how much I missed you, how much you didn't care. I was at peace! And then...and then I was back! POOF! And it started all over again! The wanting, the frustration. But there was more, Angel. I wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt you because you hurt me so goddamned much! But I couldn't. I couldn't tell you any of this. Then I went numb. After we met that night...I went numb! I didn't know...." but she doesn't finish.

"Go on, Buffy. Get it out." I tell her. "I need to know."

"I just wanted to feel. And Spike...."

"No." I say, not letting myself hear what I thought I heard.

"Yes, Angel. Listen." She tells me, but I can't. I can't hear this.

"I have to go." I say and get up. "Sun's going to be up soon."

"Where?" She asks.

"I, um. Cordy got a room. I'll stay with her and Wes."

"Are you coming back?" She asks. Looking hurt. But she was the one rejecting me now.

"I don't know." I say, not looking at her. And then I'm gone. I really don't know if I'll come back. I should have heard her out; maybe it wasn't what I thought. And who am I to judge? I know all about torching the cold. I just can't....I can't hear it right now. The fire is consuming me.

TBC

Feedback to LauraM322@aol.com still very much welcomed. 


End file.
